Prison Puns

Cell Mates

I told my cell mate a joke, but he didn’t crack up.
My cell mate is a real ‘con’-noisseur of bad puns.
I asked my cell mate if he wanted to play cards, but he said he was afraid of getting decked.
My cell mate tried to tell me a joke, but it fell flat like a pancake in solitary.
Did you hear about the cell mate who loved to cook? He was a ‘con’-fectioner!
My cell mate is really into music; he’s always trying to ‘scale’ the charts.
I told my cell mate I’d be a better person if I could break out, but he said I should just break even.
My cell mate started a band, but they could never get out of the ‘bar’.
I asked my cell mate if he wanted to play chess, but he said he wasn’t ready for a ‘check’ in life.
My cell mate thinks he’s a magician; he always says, ‘Now you see me, now you don’t’ when I look away.
We were going to start a poetry club, but my cell mate said it would just be a ‘lock’-eroom.
My cell mate says he’s a philosopher; he always asks ‘What is the meaning of ‘con’-finement?'
I tried to teach my cell mate about gravity, but he just couldn’t ‘pull’ it together.
My cell mate loves puzzles; he’s always looking for a way to ‘piece’ things together.
I asked my cell mate what his favorite game was, and he said ‘hide and seek’ because no one ever finds him.
My cell mate said he’s a great swimmer; he’s always trying to ‘dive’ into new experiences.
I tried to get my cell mate into gardening, but he said he didn’t want to ‘grow’ any attachments.
My cell mate started a fitness program; he calls it ‘Con-fined Cardio’.
I wanted to start a book club with my cell mate, but he said he’d rather read ‘between the lines’ instead.
My cell mate told me he used to be a chef; I guess you could say he was ‘incarcerated’ by his passion.
My cell mate loves to tell dad jokes; he always says, ‘I’m here all week, folks!’

Legal Laughs

I told my lawyer I wanted to sue for emotional damages; he said, ‘That’s a ‘court’-ious request.’
Why did the lawyer break up with his girlfriend? He couldn’t find ‘common law’!
I went to court to get a loan; they said I was in ‘debt-ention’!
My lawyer is great at puns; he always ‘briefs’ me before court.
I asked my lawyer if he could help me with my case; he said he was a ‘pro’-bono expert.
I wanted to plead insanity, but my lawyer said I’d have to ‘stand trial’ for that.
Why did the judge go to art school? He wanted to learn how to ‘draw’ a verdict!
I tried to sue a calendar; it was all about ‘dates’!
I asked a lawyer if he could help me with a criminal case; he said, ‘I’m not a ‘felon’-omenologist!’
My lawyer loves baseball; he’s always trying to ‘catch’ a break.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired!
I told my lawyer I needed a favor; he said, ‘You’re ‘guilty’ of asking!’
My lawyer started a bakery; he calls it ‘Legal Loaf’!
I asked my lawyer if he could help with my will; he said, 'That’s ‘will’-ing of you to ask!'
Why don’t lawyers play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when they ‘subpoena’ you!
I told my lawyer I wanted to start a podcast; he said I should call it ‘Law and Order: Special Pun Unit’!
My lawyer loves to garden; he’s always trying to ‘cultivate’ new clients.
I wanted to learn about contracts, so I signed up for a ‘binding’ agreement.
I asked my lawyer if he could help me with my taxes; he said, ‘I’m not an IRS ‘con’-sultant!’
Why did the lawyer go broke? He lost his ‘case’!
My lawyer said he’s great at multitasking; he can ‘argue’ and ‘defend’ at the same time!

Bail Jokes

I tried to get bailed out, but my friend said, ‘You’re on your ‘own’ for this one!'
My friend got arrested for stealing a calendar; he got ‘bail’ for his ‘date’!
I told my friend I was going to bail him out; he said, ‘Don’t leave me hanging!’
Why did the criminal bring a ladder to jail? He heard the bail was high!
I told my friend I’d help him with bail; he said, ‘How ‘grateful’ of you!’
My buddy tried to bail me out; he said, ‘I’m just trying to ‘raise’ you up!’
I went to bail my friend out of jail, but they said I needed a ‘cash’ bond!
What did the prisoner say to his bail bondsman? ‘I’m ready for my ‘release’!’
I tried to bail my friend out, but he said, ‘I’m ‘fine’ where I am!'
I asked my friend how he got out of jail so quickly; he said, ‘I had a ‘bonding’ experience!'
I wanted to bail my friend out, but he said, ‘I can’t afford to be ‘bonded’ right now!'
Why did the bail bondsman go broke? He lost his ‘interest’!
I told my friend I’d start a bail fund for him; he said, ‘Now that’s ‘bonding’ time!'
I asked my friend if he needed help with his bail; he said, ‘I’m ‘fine’ as long as I have my ‘bond’!'
My friend said he wanted to start a bail company; I told him he better not get ‘caught’!
I tried to get my friend out of jail; he said, ‘Just ‘bail’ me out with cash!'
What do you call a bail bondsman who can’t swim? A ‘liquid’ asset!
I told my friend I’d help him with bail, but he said, ‘I’m not ready for a ‘bonding’ experience yet!'
I asked my friend how he planned to get bailed out; he said, ‘I’m just ‘winging’ it!'
I told my friend I’d bail him out if he promised to ‘stay out of trouble’!
Why did the criminal refuse bail? He thought it was too ‘conditional’!

Jailhouse Humor

I told my friend I was going to start a comedy club in prison; he said, ‘That’s a ‘cell’-abration!’
Why did the prisoner bring a pencil to jail? He wanted to draw some ‘attention’!
I wanted to start a comedy routine in prison, but they said I’d have to ‘break the ice’ first.
What do you call a prisoner who tells jokes? A ‘pun’-ishment specialist!
I tried to tell my cell mate a joke, but it fell flat like a ‘prison’ wall.
My friend started a stand-up act in jail; he calls it ‘The Cell Block Comedy Hour’!
Why did the inmate break up with his girlfriend? She couldn’t handle his ‘crime’ sense of humor!
I told my friend I’d be a great comedian in prison; he said, ‘Just don’t ‘cross’ the line!'
What’s an inmate’s favorite type of music? ‘Cell’-o!
I tried to make my cell mate laugh, but he said he was in a ‘serious’ situation.
Why did the inmate become a poet? He wanted to express his ‘con’-fined feelings!
I wanted to start a podcast in prison; I’d call it ‘Locked Up Laughs’!
What do you call a comedian in prison? A ‘jailhouse jester’!
I asked my cell mate if he wanted to hear a joke; he said, ‘Sure, as long as it’s not a ‘con’-fession!'
What did the prisoner say when he got a funny letter? ‘That’s a ‘cell’-arious joke!'
Why was the prisoner always smiling? He had a great sense of ‘humor’ in ‘con’-finement!
I told my friend I wanted to be a comedian in jail; he said, ‘Just make sure you don’t bomb!’
What do you call a funny prisoner? A ‘pun’-derful convict!
I wanted to host an open mic night in prison; it would be a ‘lock’-in event!
Why did the inmate love knock-knock jokes? Because they always had a ‘key’ to the punchline!
I tried to tell my cell mate a funny story, but he said he was in ‘no mood’ for ‘puns’!

Escape Room Puns

Why did the prisoner break out of jail? He wanted to ‘escape’ reality!
I asked my friend how he planned to escape from prison; he said, ‘I’ll just ‘break’ for it!’
What do you call an escape artist in jail? A ‘con’-fined magician!
I told my friend I’d help him plan an escape; he said, ‘Let’s not ‘run’ into any trouble!'
Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape from the ‘cluck’-up!
I wanted to start an escape room in prison; it would be called ‘Get Out of Jail Free’!
What do you call a successful prison escape? A ‘lock’-out!
My friend tried to escape from jail, but he said it was a real ‘cell’-ebrating moment.
Why did the prisoner bring a map to jail? He wanted to ‘chart’ his escape!
I told my friend I’d help him escape; he said, ‘I’m counting on you to ‘break’ me out!'
What’s an inmate’s favorite game? ‘Escape the Room’!
I wanted to start a blog about prison escapes; I’d call it ‘Breaking News’!
Why did the escape artist get caught? He couldn’t find the right ‘key’!
I told my friend I’d help him plan an escape; he said, ‘Let’s not get ‘locked’ in!'
What do you call a prisoner who escapes? A ‘run’-away convict!
I tried to help my friend escape from jail; he said, ‘I’m ‘fleeing’ the scene!'
Why did the prisoner start a workout routine? He wanted to ‘break’ a sweat before his escape!
I wanted to create a board game about prison escapes; it would be called ‘Get Out of Jail’!
What’s a prisoner’s favorite type of music? ‘Escape’ rock!
I told my friend I wanted to be an escape artist; he said, ‘That’s a ‘risk’-y career choice!'
Why did the prisoner bring a ladder to jail? He wanted to ‘climb’ his way to freedom!