Lawyer Puns

Courtroom Humor

I told my lawyer I needed a strong case, and he brought me a thermos.
Why did the lawyer break up with his girlfriend? She had too many objections.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.
I asked my lawyer if he could help me with my case of mistaken identity. He said, 'Who's asking?'
Why did the lawyer wear a neck brace? He had a whiplash of justice!
I don't trust lawyers who don't take coffee breaks. They're always brewing something.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue the calendar? He lost his case!
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side.
What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea.
I used to be a lawyer, but I lost my appeal.
When a lawyer is disbarred, does that mean he can’t go to the beach anymore?
Why are lawyers so good at playing chess? They know how to make all the right moves.
What do you call a lawyer who writes a book? An author-ity.
Why did the lawyer get kicked off the plane? He kept trying to file a motion in the aisle.
What do you call a lawyer who knows the answer to every question? A legal expert-ise.
Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court? He wanted to reach new heights in his career.
What's a lawyer's favorite exercise? Suing and running.
Did you hear about the lawyer who fell in love with a judge? It was a courtship made in heaven.
Why was the lawyer always calm? He had a lot of legal briefs.
What did the lawyer say to the judge? 'I'm in a bit of a bind here!'
Why did the lawyer take up gardening? He wanted to learn how to plant a case.

Legal Lingo

I told my lawyer I needed a loan, and he said, 'You have my legal tender.'
Why don’t lawyers play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when they have a subpoena.
I wanted to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but I didn't have a case.
My lawyer told me to keep my nose clean. I didn’t know it had legal implications!
Why did the lawyer refuse to play cards? He was afraid of getting dealt a bad hand.
What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada!
Why did the lawyer go broke? He lost his case in small claims court.
What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? Senator.
Why did the lawyer sleep with a ruler? To measure how long he slept!
I tried to sue my local gym for not letting me work out, but they said I had no grounds.
What did the lawyer say when he was asked to give a speech? 'I object to public speaking!'
Why did the lawyer always carry a pencil? In case he needed to draw a line!
What do you call a lawyer who is great at math? An attorney-algebra.
Why did the lawyer bring string to court? To tie up loose ends.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why did the lawyer break up with his girlfriend? She had too many clauses.
When my lawyer told me to ‘take the fifth,’ I thought he was talking about alcohol!
What kind of music do lawyers listen to? Legal briefs!
Why did the lawyer take a pillow to court? He wanted to rest his case.
What’s a lawyer’s favorite type of music? Subpoena!
Why did the lawyer become an artist? He wanted to draw up contracts.

Client Quips

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
My lawyer told me I should start investing in stocks. I said I prefer bonds.
Why did the client bring a ladder to the lawyer’s office? He wanted to reach new legal heights.
What did the lawyer say when he got a new client? 'Welcome to the legal team!'
What do you call a client who doesn’t pay their lawyer? A deadbeat defendant.
I told my lawyer I needed a new strategy. He said, 'Let’s think outside the box!'
Why did the lawyer get in trouble with his client? He was caught billing by the hour!
What did the lawyer tell his client after winning the case? 'That'll be a wrap!'
Why do lawyers love their clients? Because they make a good case!
What did the lawyer say to the nervous client? 'Don't worry, I've got your back!'
Why was the client always calm? Because they had a lawyer on speed dial.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a client? A new case of trust issues!
Why did the lawyer take his client to lunch? To discuss their legal appetites!
What do lawyers love about their clients? Their legal tender!
Why did the client refuse to pay? They thought they had a case of mistaken billing.
What did the lawyer say when his client asked about their case? 'Let’s not get ahead of ourselves!'
Why did the lawyer start a podcast? To share his client tales!
What’s a lawyer’s favorite game? Client-centration!
Why did the lawyer always have a notebook? To jot down client notes!
What did the lawyer say to the client who wanted to settle? 'Let’s negotiate!'.
What do you call a lawyer who gives bad advice? A malpractice suit!

Legal Advice

What did the lawyer say to the confused client? 'Let’s break this down legally!'
I asked my lawyer for advice on relationships. He said, 'No comments!'
Why did the lawyer recommend therapy? Because he wanted to help his client process!
What’s a lawyer’s best piece of advice? Don’t sign anything without reading the fine print!
Why do lawyers love to give advice? Because they’re always right!
What did the lawyer say when asked how to win a case? 'Just follow the legal path!'
What’s a lawyer’s favorite question? 'Is this legally binding?'
Why do lawyers make terrible comedians? They always want to talk about the case!
What do you call a lawyer who gives free advice? A legal aid!
What did the lawyer tell his client about the importance of documentation? 'It's all in the details!'
Why did the lawyer suggest a diet? He wanted his client to cut down on legal fees!
What did the lawyer say when asked for help with a will? 'I’ll help you write your last testament!'
Why did the lawyer recommend a vacation? To clear your mind legally!
What do you call a lawyer who gives relationship advice? A love attorney!
What did the lawyer say about saving money? 'Invest in legal funds!'
Why did the lawyer suggest joining a club? To network legally!
What’s the lawyer’s mantra? 'Always be prepared!'
What did the lawyer say about honesty? 'It's the best policy!'
What did the lawyer say about health? 'Stay legal and fit!'
Why did the lawyer suggest a financial planner? To avoid bankruptcy!
What did the lawyer say about stress? 'Breathe legally!'

Lawyer Life

Why did the lawyer go to art school? He wanted to improve his drawing skills!
What do you call a lawyer who loves to travel? A legal globetrotter!
Why did the lawyer bring a suitcase to the office? He was packing for a case!
What’s a lawyer’s favorite way to relax? A legal spa day!
Why did the lawyer keep a diary? To track his legal thoughts!
What did the lawyer say about work-life balance? 'It's all about the legal scale!'
What do you call a lawyer who loves to cook? A legal chef!
Why did the lawyer join a gym? To stay fit for court!
What’s a lawyer’s favorite hobby? Legal gardening!
Why did the lawyer take up yoga? To find inner peace legally!
What do you call a lawyer who loves to dance? A legal mover!
What did the lawyer say when he went to the beach? 'I’m here for some legal sun!'
Why did the lawyer enjoy fishing? He loved to reel in cases!
What do you call a lawyer who loves to read? A legal bookworm!
What did the lawyer say about family time? 'It's all about legal bonding!'
Why did the lawyer become a musician? He wanted to write legal tunes!
What’s a lawyer’s favorite holiday? Legal Day!
Why did the lawyer love camping? He liked to get outside the legal box!
What do you call a lawyer who enjoys photography? A legal shutterbug!
What did the lawyer say about his daily routine? 'It’s a legal grind!'
Why did the lawyer start a blog? To share his legal journey!