Language Puns

Wordplay on Homophones

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
The duck said to the bartender, 'Put it on my bill.'
I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
I used to be a librarian, but I couldn't find my place.
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I didn't have the time.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me cookies.
The guy who invented Lifesavers candy made it so that they wouldn't sink.
I tried to catch fog, but I mist.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I named my dog 'Five Miles' so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.
The mathematician’s plants stopped growing because he couldn’t find the square root.
I used to be a parachute instructor, but I couldn't keep my feet on the ground.
A will is a dead giveaway.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an incredible guy, but the guy who invented the other three was an inventor.
I wanted to be a professional fisherman, but I couldn't find a decent pole.
The kleptomaniac couldn’t stop taking things, but he got good at it.
I'm reading a book on teleportation. It's hard to put down!

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
The comma is the best punctuation; it always knows when to pause.
I have a split personality, said the grammarian.
The apostrophe is a possessive little guy.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Two adjectives walked into a bar. They were both describing the same thing.
I used to be a grammar teacher, but I couldn't find the right tense.
I love puns about grammar; they're always on point.
I was going to tell a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.
The semicolon is like a pause in a concert; it’s not quite a full stop.
Puns about punctuation are so often misplaced.
I have a friend who’s a thesaurus. He’s so wordy.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'
I was going to tell a joke about a double negative, but I won’t.
The teacher told me I was a 'pun-der' student.
I had a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.
Grammar puns are the most fun, but they can be quite subjective.
I wanted to be a grammar ninja, but I couldn't find the right syntax.
I told my friend not to be so possessive, but he just said, 'It's mine!'
The teacher said I had a lot of potential; I just needed the right punctuation.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.
It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack; I need a magnet!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when it gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I wanted to drop the mic, but it was too heavy.
I told my friend I wanted to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
When the cat's away, the mice will play… until the cat comes back.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, but you can have it and share it.
It’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake!
Barking up the wrong tree is a real doggone issue.
It’s raining cats and dogs; I hope I don’t step in a poodle.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch; you might end up with egg on your face.
I have a fear of elevators; I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory; all I did was take a day off.
I’m on a whiskey diet; I’ve lost three days already.
I wanted to start a bakery, but I couldn't find the right dough.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that’s just nuts!
The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
I was going to tell a joke about an elevator, but it's an uplifting experience.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m terrible at poetry, and so are you.
I wrote a song about an elevator; it’s an uplifting experience.
A pun walks into a bar and tells a joke; the bartender says, 'That's just my type of humor!'
I love to write with a fountain pen; it makes my thoughts flow.
I wanted to write a poem about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
I tried to write a poem about procrastination, but I kept putting it off.
My poetry teacher told me I’m a natural; maybe I’m just a prose-pective poet.
I wanted to write a haiku about nature, but I couldn't find the right syllable.
I wrote a poem about a broken pencil; it was pointless.
I asked my friend for a rhyme, but he said he was out of time.
I love puns in poetry; they really make my heart sing.
The cat sat on the mat, but the dog thought that was a purr-fect fit.
I wanted to write a poem about time travel, but I didn’t have the time.
I wrote a sad poem about a broken heart; it really struck a chord.
I tried to write a poem about a ship, but it just sailed away.
I thought about writing a poem about my socks, but it might be too footloose.
I decided to write a poem about my favorite tree; it was quite a rooted experience.
I wanted to write a poem about autumn, but I couldn't find the right leaves.
I wrote a poem about a pancake; it was flipping great!
I wanted to write a poem about my dog, but it was too ruff.
I wrote a limerick about a cat; it was quite paws-itively delightful!

I’m trying to learn French, but I keep getting lost in translation.
I wanted to learn to speak Spanish, but I just couldn’t find the right accent.
I tried to learn sign language, but I couldn’t find the right hand.
The linguist's favorite exercise is the vocabulary stretch.
I wanted to learn Japanese, but I couldn't find the right kanji.
I signed up for a class to learn how to speak whale, but it was a bit over my head.
I wanted to learn Italian, but my pasta skills were lacking.
I tried to learn Russian, but I kept getting lost in the Cyrillic.
Learning new languages is a piece of cake; it's just the frosting that gets me.
I wanted to learn German, but I couldn't get the hang of the umlauts.
I thought about learning Swahili, but I didn't have the right pronunciation.
I wanted to learn Mandarin, but I couldn't find the right tone.
I tried to learn Portuguese, but I got tangled in the accents.
I signed up for a language course, but it was a total wash-out.
I wanted to learn Arabic, but I kept getting lost in the script.
I thought about learning Greek, but I couldn't get over the alphabet.
I tried to learn Hindi, but it was all Greek to me.
I signed up for a language exchange, but we just ended up exchanging puns.
I wanted to learn Yiddish, but I couldn't find a good schtick.
I thought about learning Korean, but it was a bit too much to handle.
I wanted to learn all the languages, but I just couldn't find the right dialect.