Ancient History Puns

Greek Mythology Puns

I told Zeus I was feeling down, and he said, 'Don't worry, I'll thunder up your spirits!'
Why did Athena always win at chess? Because she was the queen of strategy!
When Poseidon got a new phone, he couldn't stop making waves!
Hades started a gardening business; he has a knack for raising the dead!
Why did Hercules become a successful personal trainer? He had great strength and resolve!
What did Demeter say when she lost her crops? 'I can't believe this is happening. I'm in a-maize!'
Why did the Trojan horse become a stand-up comedian? It was great at delivering punchlines!
When Apollo tried to start a band, everyone said he was too 'lyrical'!
Why did Dionysus bring a ladder to the party? To reach new heights of revelry!
What did the Oracle say to the procrastinator? 'You’ll see the future… eventually!'
Why did Achilles break up with his girlfriend? She said he was too heel-preoccupied!
How does one become a successful Greek philosopher? Just think outside the box of logic!
Why was Athena always calm? Because she had a lot of 'intel'!
What did the grape say to Dionysus? 'I'm just vine, thanks!'
Why did the Cyclops get a job? He was tired of being a one-eyed wanderer!
When Ares started a fitness regime, he really got into the 'warrior' workouts!
Why was Medusa such a great artist? She had a knack for turning heads!
How did the Greeks keep their secrets? They used a lot of 'cloak and dagger'!
Why did Pygmalion break up with his statue? He realized she was just too 'stiff'!
What song did the Muses sing when they were sad? 'Don't Stop Believin'!'
Why was the Minotaur bad at relationships? He always got lost in the maze of love!

Roman Empire Puns

Why did the Roman gladiator always carry a pencil? He wanted to draw his sword!
What did Julius Caesar say when he saw a salad? 'Et tu, Brute?'
Why was the Roman calendar so popular? It had a lot of dates!
How do you greet a Roman? 'Salve' and ‘Hey!’
Why did the Roman soldier go to art school? He wanted to master the art of war!
How did the Romans keep their clothes clean? With a lot of 'laundry of the gods'!
What did the Roman say when he was offered a drink? 'I’ll have a Caesar salad!'
Why was the Colosseum so great at networking? It had a lot of connections!
What do you call a Roman who loves to play hide and seek? A 'Cloak and Dagger'!
Why did the Roman architect become a comedian? He had great 'column' material!
What did the Roman say when he lost his keys? 'I guess I'm just locked out of the empire!'
Why did Rome always have great parties? They knew how to make a 'Caesar' salad!
What did the Roman senator say at the bakery? 'I knead a raise!'
Why was the Roman so good at math? He was great at counting 'denarii'!
What do you call a Roman who loves history? A 'past' enthusiast!
How did the Romans stay in shape? They had plenty of 'aqua' aerobics!
Why was the Roman engineer so successful? He always built on solid ground!
What did the Roman say when he got a promotion? 'It's time to celebrate with a toga party!'
Why did the Roman soldier always carry a map? He didn't want to lose his 'path of glory'!
What did the Roman governor do at the gym? He worked on his 'imperial' strength!
Why did the Roman historian get kicked out of school? He couldn't stop 'myth-ifying'!

Ancient Egypt Puns

Why did the mummy get invited to all the parties? Because he was always 'wrapped up' in fun!
What did the Pharaoh say to his lazy workers? 'You need to step up your 'pyramid' scheme!'
How do ancient Egyptians like their coffee? 'Nile-ted' and strong!
Why was the Egyptian pyramid so popular? Because it really had a point!
What did the Sphinx say to the tourists? 'I've got a riddle for you, but I won't give you a clue!'
Why did the ancient Egyptian bring a ladder to the tomb? To reach new heights in archaeology!
What did Cleopatra say when she found a great deal? 'This is un-buried treasure!'
Why did the ancient Egyptians never get lost? They always followed the 'Nile' signs!
What did the tomb raider say when he found gold? 'This is a real mummy-ment of wealth!'
Why was the ancient Egyptian artist so successful? He had a knack for drawing 'pharaoh'-mative pieces!
What do you call a Pharaoh who loves to dance? A 'sway-rah'!
Why did the ancient Egyptian go to therapy? He had too many unresolved 'issues' from the afterlife!
What did the ancient scribe write about? The 'papyrus' of his life!
Why did the Egyptian architect become a chef? He was great at building 'flavors'!
What did the Pharaoh say when he started a band? 'Let's rock this pyramid!'
Why did the hieroglyphics get a promotion? They had a lot of 'character'!
What did the ancient Egyptian say when he found a missing cat? 'I guess I'm in a 'purr-plexing' situation!'
Why was the Nile River so calm? Because it was 'flowing' with serenity!
What did the archaeologist say when he found a rare artifact? 'This is a real treasure from the past!'
Why did the ancient Egyptian refuse to play cards? He was afraid of getting 'decked'!
What did the ancient Egyptian say to his friend? 'Let's go on an 'adventure' to the afterlife!'

Medieval History Puns

Why did the knight always carry a pencil? He wanted to draw his sword!
What did the king say to his jester? 'You crack me up, but I still need a royal laugh!'
How does a castle stay cool in the summer? It has plenty of 'towers'!
Why did the dragon never get a job? Because he kept 'burning' his bridges!
What did the knight say when he found a treasure? 'This is a real 'golden' opportunity!'
Why was the medieval peasant so good at gardening? He had a green 'thumb' and a lot of 'sow-cial' skills!
What did the queen say when she lost her crown? 'I guess I'm just 'crowned' out!'
Why was the medieval knight so good at sports? He always brought his 'A-game'!
What did the princess say to the frog? 'I think you need to 'kiss' and make up!'
Why did the castle always have great parties? They knew how to 'knight' it up!
What did the medieval bard say when he got a compliment? 'Thanks, I'm just 'lyrical'!'
Why was the jester so popular? He always had a 'pun-derful' joke ready!
What did the knight say to his horse? 'You really know how to 'gallop' my heart!'
Why did the blacksmith start a band? He wanted to 'forge' a new sound!
What did the nobleman say when he lost his fortune? 'I've hit rock 'bottom'!'
Why did the medieval scholar become a baker? He wanted to 'rise' to the occasion!
What did the knight say when he saw a shooting star? 'I wish for a 'quest' of a lifetime!'
Why did the castle architect get promoted? He had a lot of 'building' experience!
What did the squire say to the knight? 'You're my 'hero,' let’s go on an adventure!'
Why was the medieval town so friendly? Because everyone knew how to 'civic' duty!
What did the herald say when the king arrived? 'Long live the 'crown' prince!'

Prehistoric Puns

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn't invented yet!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
Why did the T-Rex always lose at hide and seek? Because he was 'dino-sore' when he didn't win!
What did the paleontologist say to his assistant? 'Let’s 'rock' this fossil dig!'
Why don’t dinosaurs ever tell secrets? Because they’re worried about 'dino-snores'!
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore!
Why did the brontosaurus always get invited to parties? Because he was a 'long-neck' of the law!
What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of languages? A 'poly-saurus'!
Why did the caveman take a bath before dinner? He wanted to be 'neat and prehistoric'!
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with an elephant? A dino-sore that never forgets!
Why did the pterodactyl get kicked off the plane? Because it couldn't fit in the 'seat' belt!
What did the caveman say when he invented fire? 'That's a 'flame' of a discovery!'
How did the caveman communicate? He used 'cave-tion' signs!
Why did the dinosaur fail his driving test? Because he couldn't 'brake' in time!
What do you call a dinosaur that loves to sing? A 'raptor'!
Why did the fossil get promoted? It was a 'rock-solid' performer!
What did the woolly mammoth say to the other mammoths? 'Let’s 'mammoth' together!'
Why was the prehistoric artist so successful? Because he knew how to 'draw' a crowd!
What did the caveman say when he found a new tool? 'This is 'stone-cold' awesome!'
Why did the pterodactyl sit on the fence? Because it wanted to get a 'bird's-eye view'!
What do you call a dinosaur that loves to party? A 'dino-mite'!